My Mommy’s Place is giving away copies of The Motherhood Manifesto on DVD.  Go, leave your comments on “Balance”  here to enter.

Remember the guy at the circus who would spin plates on top of sticks.  He’d start one after another and when he got to the end he’d rush back to the beginning to re-spin each one before it toppled.  I used to think that achieving balance in your life meant that you finally got all the plates going.  I thought it meant that nothing was crashing and breaking.  On top of that as an American I have been so brainwashed to do/have/be more that I thought the best example of balance was to have more plates going at one time than anybody else.  Can you be a spouse?  Yes.  Can you be a mother to two kids?  Yes.  Can you work part-time? Yes.  Can you be a partner in a start-up retail business?  Yes.  Can do all the books and such for your husband’s company?  Yes.  Can you teach childbirth classes? Yes.  Can you be a doula?  Yes.  Can you volunteer at church?  Yes.  Can you do any of it well?  *CRASH!!!!*  And at that realization I started putting away my plates and sticks.  For me, balance means being done with the competition.  Currently I maintain only two plates.  That’s how many hands I have so I have determined that is what I can hold without stress.  I am a wife and I am a mother.  And I am getting better at each of them every day because I have time to think about how to get better and I have the energy to put those thoughts into practice.  This is not to say of course that I don’t do other things just that now those other things are not critical.  They get done when they get done IF they get done and that keeps me balanced.

I do and I simply must share this one because it made me laugh out loud at its truth.

About this time last week, Will announced that he would be going to Gate for the weekend to visit his Grandmother.  She is on the mend from some illness and he hadn’t visited in a while.  We talked about whether or not Sister should accompany him and decided against it.  We talked about whether or not it made sense for him to return home after work that day instead of just heading on out.  It didn’t.  Then I reminded him we had visitors coming for dinner (That’s dinner/supper not dinner/lunch just for clarification.) on Sunday so he must - absolutely must - be back by noon (not 1 or 2:15 or 3:21 but noon) that day because I would neeeeed help with some last minute preparations.  He agreed.  So last Friday morning, the children and I waved goodbye to Will for the weekend; secure in the knowledge that we would see him again… by noon… on Sunday.

***Skip ahead to around 7am Sunday morning.  The phone rings.

“Hello, love.”  (I don’t answer my phone this way for just anyone.  Like most people nowadays, I have caller ID.)

“Hey, baby, I just wanted to let you know I’m heading out the door….”

“Great!”

“…and the trip takes a little longer than I remembered so it’ll be more like one before I get there.”

(pause for the sound of harsh words being swallowed) “That’s okay.  We’ll see you then.”

***Skip ahead to around noon Sunday.  The phone rings.

“Hello, love.”

“Uhm, hey.”  (pause)  “I was thinking I better drop through to see my Dad for a little bit since it’s on the way and all.”

“Oh, so we won’t see you until what?  4?.”

“I’m hoping it won’t take that long.”

“Right.  We’ll see you around 4.”

“Thanks.”

I am not telling you all of this to embarass my husband or to supply you with yet another example of “male-ness.”  Quite the opposite really because what happened last weekend is not nearly so important as what happened during the week that followed.  You see life will happen.  Things will come up and regardless of how much you want your spouse to be perfect they will fail and you will have a choice.  Berate them for the dissappointment or smile and say, “that’s okay.”  I am not always so forgiving but this time I made the latter choice and for my trouble got an apologetic foot rub every night this week.  As a result, I am loving my husband now more than ever.

I can hear you out there, “But Toni, my husband would never do that.  He would just take advantage of my generosity.”  And my answer to that is, “How do you know?”  Have you ever really kept your mouth shut?  Or do you keep your words in while screaming at him in body language?  I’m not implying that this will be successful the first time you try it.  If you have been a nagging hag for many years it will take considerably longer to turn the tide of affection.  But it can be turned.  Your husband wants to provide for you.  He wants you to be happy.  But every time you choose to focus on his faults instead of prasing him for his contributions you push him further away from his goal.  Eventually he is so far away that he knows he can never please you and he gives up.

I don’t know who this post is for but I felt compelled to write it today.  Just as I feel compelled to share these words from the Bible (1 Corinthians 13)

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Don’t wait around for your spouse to make the first move.  Be patient, be kind.  Do not be easily angered.  Quit keeping score.  Learn to trust.  Learn to hope.  Persevere in this and you will have your marriage back again.

When you have come to the edge

of all the light you know

And are about to step off

Into the darkness of the unknown,

Faith is knowing that

One of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on

Or you will be taught how to fly.

                                                                                    Patrick Overter

If you don’t already know, you can learn about Birth-day here.

.

So we’ve started this path into unschooling.  If you don’t know what that is, don’t feel bad.  Six months ago I didn’t either.  All I knew was that as the time approached for Sister to start school I felt in my heart that was not the right direction for us.  For a while we sent her to a nearby private school.  Excellent program.  Outstanding teachers and facility.  But parent/teacher conferences reavealed a startling fact.  Sister was way ahead of the other students in many areas and exactly on level in the rest.  At one point her teacher actually said to me, “Whatever you’re doing at home, keep doing it because it’s working.”  I pondered that statement for a long while.  What were we doing at home?  Well, we asked a lot of questions and we searched out the answers together.  We read … a lot and from all sorts of sources.  We allowed Sister to lead the way on a lot of projects viewing our role more as discovery assistants rather than teachers.  We provided a variety of puzzles, games, art supplies, etc.  not with any particular task in mind but just in case creativity struck suddenly.  All sorts of research on homeschooling attached a name to our style of learning:  unschooling.  The more I read, the more enamored I became.  So now, even though Sister needn’t officially start school until next year, we are conducting an experiment.  Actually we are just continuing to live our lives as we always have but now I am recording it.  I started a new blog.  You are welcome to visit of course but I think you will find it rather dull reading.  At the end of each day, I jot down what we did that can be catagorized into school “subjects” and then I label my post with those subjects.  For example if we read a book then the post will be labeled “reading”.  If we read a history book then it will be labeled “reading” and “history”.  I find it helpful to review the day and I see possible benefits if we ever move to a state where homeschooling is more regulated than in Oklahoma.  It is also comforting to my husband who is my one and only feed subscriber.  Not only can he see that unschooling works, he gets a glimpse of what we do while he is at work and shares in moments I might otherwise forget to mention. 

True unschoolers will probably laugh at my methodology but keeping an unschooling journal works for me.

Did you know that if you tightly hold 4 dry erase markers in your hand and gallop around the house saying things like, “Whoa, horsey!” and “Giddyup!” that you can effectively turn your surroundings into your very own “Home on the Range?”  Well, I didn’t but Brother did.  He just introduced me to his markers horse.  Her name is “Sir.”

Isn’t imagination the greatest thing ever!

We are converting an ugly, old, folding table into a new, cutesy, craft table which is a craft project all by itself. 

My little helpers are having so much fun.

Sister says, “Broooother!  You don’t have to paint everywhere I do!”

Does it seem to anyone else that this brush is headed for Brother’s face?

Nope - He escaped unscathed…. except of course for the part where he stuck his whole hand down into the paint bucket.  You’ll forgive me if I was a too distracted to get a picture of that. 

We’ll post up the finished product when we get it done.  IF we get it done!

Here are some unexpected steps I saw this week:

Any guesses?  …. It’s Sister’s afternoon snack.  I gave her three slices of cheese which she stacked like so.  “Look, Mom.  They’re steps.”  She took one bite out of her creation then handed it back to me.  ”I’m not hungry anymore.”   *sigh*  Oh, well.

Here was my original idea for this post:

It’s a fountain near our home.  I’ve always liked the step effect the designers created.

Did you play?

So it’s 4:30 AM and Brother rolls over to search for his sippy cup.  He finds it but oh, horror of horrors… “It’s enty, Mama. I nee more appa juice.” (Yes, I give my child juice at night.  I have other parenting flaws too.  Too many to recount here so let’s just move on, shall we?)  Knowing this time was coming I had prepared a second cup during one of the other umpteenth night awakenings.  Will’s hand fumbles around on the nightstand, finally grasps the backup, and hands it in Brother’s general direction all without opening an eyelid.

“NO!, NO! Mama get it!”

Fine.  Will hands the cup to me and I hand it in Brother’s general direction.

“No! Not dat one. Dis one.”

He shoves the empty cup toward me.

“It’s enty, Mama. I nee more.”

Yes, we’ve been through this.  There are nights when I would have engaged in a struggle to get him to take the perfectly good, perfectly full backup but this was not one of them.

“Okay.  I’ll be right back.”

I stumble to the kitchen where the ever helpful motion sensitive light greets me in a way that makes me want to throw something at it.  (Note to self: flourescent and early mornings don’t mix.)  Instead, I bang feverishly at the wall until I get lucky, hit the switch and am bathed in sweet blackness.  I grope my way to the fridge — “Agrhh, more light.”– grab the apple juice and let the door shut.  In the darkness, my well-practiced hands take off first the juice lid then the sippy one.  Then in one swift motion that would make a ninja jealous I pry open the fridge door with my toe, pour the juice, grab the lid and shove the container in replacing its top on the way.  Lightless once again, I reach for the sippy cup lid.  Knock it off the counter.  Turn to look. (Uh newsflash, Toni - Can’t see in the dark.) Kick it.  Kick it again.  Corner it behind the recycle bin.  Realize even if I do catch this thing it will have to be washed.  Think about the effects of cold water on the hands of an amazingly still half-asleep person.  Leave it.  I fish around in the cabinet through a mountain of lids until my fingers light upon the shape I’m seeking.  With the lid halfway on I realize a stopper may useful.  Take the lid off.  Poke around through the stopper stack; stopper in; lid on; down the hall we go.

Back in bed I am greeted only by silence.  All eyes are closed.  Everyone’s breaths are even and rhythmic in a lullaby sort of way.  I shake my head and sigh as I sit the new juice next to my sleeping son.   A minute later, after I’ve plumped my pillow and found the sweet spot once again a soft voice breaks the silence.

“Good job, Mama!  I so proud you.”

“Thank you,” I reply to the voice as it tucks the cup under an arm and returns to dreamland.

Thank you and good night.

For Birth-Day this week I want to take a look at one of my favorite birth books.  Birthing From Within by Pam England (CNM, MA) and Rob Horowitz (PhD) looks at childbirth education from a completely new perspective and for that reason is well worth your time.  The material is far from dry, filled with real birth stories from all points of the spectrum.   Today let’s look at an excerpt from the first chapter of Birthing From Within. 

Understanding birth technology shouldn’t lull you into thinking you understand birth.  The profound mystery and spirituality of birth can never be understood with the mind, they are known through the heart.  A good place to begin preparing is with your heart’s burning question.

….

A Journalism student once asked me, ”If there is one thing a woman should know before going into labor, what would you say it would be?

….

After contemplating the journalist’s question, I finally responded, “For each woman, the most important thing she needs to know will be different.  I would encourage a mother to ask herself, ‘What is it I need to know to give birth?’  Her answer must be found within, not given to her by an expert.  Each mother needs to find her personal, heartfelt question.”

The journalist wasn’t sure she understood what I meant, so I asked her, “When you were expecting, what was it you needed to know to give birth?”

She thought a moment, and smiled as she remembered, “My question was ‘Am I strong enough to give birth?’ That’s what I worried about, that’s what I had to look into before I felt ready to give birth … and I did use that question to help me prepare mentally.”

Mothers wonder things like:

• “What kind of mother will I be?”
• “Can I ask for help if I need it?”
• “Can I trust my body and my judgement?”
• “What will people think of me if…?”

…..

Knowing your personal question is central to birth preparation.  Whatever your qestion is, leave no stone unturned:  ask your qestion often and look at it from every angle until your conscious mind is exhausted, and your heart is receptive to answers.

Don’t limit yourself to a superficial question like, “What should I expect…?”  If someone else can answer your question - you’re not going deep enough.  The answer will not come through intellectual pursuit; nor will you find it in a book (books can tell you about birth, but not about you).

Sometimes true understanding comes in a dream, when you’re gazing into a fire, writing in your journal, after a good cry, or when you finally give up!  Be patient:  sometimes the answer doesn’t surface until the throes of labor!”

With Sister my question was, “How can I maintain control of my pregnancy and birth?”  Those of you who know me will recognize that I possess a few control freak tendencies. (stop laughing - yes, it’s only a few - I’m working on it. )  To answer my question I read and attended classes and read and grilled my doctor and read and talked to other women and read.  I thought I was well prepared for every contingency but one day, I don’t remember when, my question abrubtly changed to “What if I can’t maintain control?”  And this was the right question for me because after I allowed myself to move past the fear I found my answer was “Okay.  So what if I can’t.”  From that point I decided to step back and watch labor unfold.  I decided to go with the flow.  My husband and my doula and my doctor all knew what I wanted out of my daughter’s birth so while they worked to support my choices I simply paid attention to my body and worked to give birth.

With Brother my question was, “How can I let go from the beginning?”  This time my question led me away from the hospital to a midwife and a wonderful homebirth. 

Your question will be equally unique and will help you discover your perfect birth.  I urge you to find it.

If you’ve had a baby or are pregnant now I’d love to hear what your questions were/are.  Did you find the answer?  Let me know in the comments.